DISCLAIMERS, WARNINGS, ETC.: Oz the series and its characters/concepts are the property of Levinson-Fontana Productions, HBO, et al; I am making no money from this. "Dear Aggie" is intended for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant to represent any real advice columnist living or dead. Slash B/K; PG- 13.

Summary: Just a (harmless, one trusts) self-indulgent musing on, "So what if Chris & Toby wrote to Ann Landers/Dear Abby for advice?"

WRITE TO THE HEART
By
Riley Cannon

Excerpted from "Wake Up And Smell The Latte" by Agatha Vanlander; a collection of the best Dear Aggie columns.

Chapter 9: Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

This next collection of letters charts the rocky courtship of two correspondents Dear Aggie calls Prisoner of Love and Covert Operator. As always, names have been changed to protect the innocent or guilty, as the case may be here.

Dear Aggie,

I'm a recent widower with three young children. I never intended to become involved with anyone else this soon, but recently I have met someone to whom I feel very attracted. There are some fairly extenuating circumstances, however. We're both incarcerated, for one thing, and I've never been involved with another man. Should I pursue this relationship, or is it too soon?

Prisoner of Love

Dear Prisoner of Love,

Your circumstances are pretty extenuating, all right. Your wife's barely cold in the ground and you're getting a case of happy pants for your cellmate? Honey, under the best of circumstances this would be the wrong time to start exploring an alternative lifestyle. Since neither of you is going anywhere my advice is to slow it down. If it's true love, you'll know when the time is right.

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

There's this guy I've met we're kind of like roommates. We don't have a whole lot in common, and there's some secrets that could cause a whole lot of trouble between us, so I've been trying to play it cool. The other day, though, he came over while I was doing some laundry, and one thing sort of led to another and we wound up saying we loved each other, and then I kissed him. And he kissed me back. And that was about the best thing that's ever happened to me.

The thing is all these secrets are getting harder to keep, and I'm afraid of what's going to happen when he finds out about them.

Covert Operator

Dear Covert Operator,

Honey, I think you know you're going to have to lay all your cards on the table if you really want this guy. You can't build a relationship on deception. If he really makes you feel all warm and tingly you'd better try honesty as your best policy.

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

Remember that guy I told you about, who I thought I was falling in love with? Well, I'm afraid I didn't take your advice about going slow. I was having this really good day, visiting with my kids and everything, and when I went to find 'Kit' he was in the laundry room feeling kind of down in the dumps. One of his ex-wives had just gotten married again and he was taking it hard. I only meant to comfort him like he's done me so many times, but the moment I touched him it was like someone flipped an electric switch. We said we loved each other and started kissing, and that was better than I'd even dreamed.

But then the CO's separated us and 'Kit' got sent to what we call the hole, and I sort of fell off the wagon I kind of have a substance abuse problem, by the way. Anyway, now 'Kit's' back but he won't have anything to do with me, and it's really tearing me up. How do I get him back?

Prisoner of Love

Dear Prisoner of Love,

Sweetie, do you think you might have read too much into a little necking during the spin cycle? You say this guy already has more than one failed marriage in his past. Aside from the whole guy/guy thing, it sounds like this 'Kit' isn't exactly Mr. Stable Relationship. Like I said before: let it cool. If there's some real sparks between you, something will ignite. In the meantime, get your stuff together for the sake of your kids. They don't need a daddy who's living better through chemistry.

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

This guy I told you about, 'Tony,' the one I really, really like and was keeping some secrets from? Well, everything came out in the open and he got hurt real bad, and now I think he hates me. I've told him I'm really sorry for hurting him and that it'll never happen again, and that I love him and would do anything to make it up to him, but he won't believe me. I even did one thing he asked me to, but that wasn't enough for him; he wouldn't even let me kiss him afterwards.

He's got every right to feel like he does, but it's really eating me up that he won't give me another chance to prove myself. I just love him like crazy.

Covert Operator

Dear Covert Operator,

Sweetheart, I think you knew it was going to be that way. Secrets always come back to bite you in the fanny, and you knew the first time you wrote that you needed to fess up to 'Tony.' All you can do is give him some more time. I know it's not what you want to hear, but either he'll get over it or he won't. You pestering and nagging at him isn't going to get you anywhere, though.

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

Everything's a mess. 'Kit,' the guy I thought I was falling in love with, really hurt me broke my heart, among other things. It turns out we have a mutual acquaintance here, another inmate named 'Ernie' who did some horrible things to me when I first got here. I mean, I think he probably did some of those same things to 'Kit' back when 'Kit' was just a teenage kid when 'Ernie' got his hands on him but that makes it even harder to understand why 'Kit' would have hurt me like this just because he thought he owed 'Ernie' something.

He keeps trying to make it up to me, and sometimes I almost want to let him, but it's so hard to believe him now, to trust him. How can I know he's sincere, that this isn't just another twisted game?

Prisoner of Love

Dear Prisoner of Love,

Hon, I think we went over this. Your 'Kit' doesn't have a great track record in relationships. If he's hurt you once chances are good he'll do it again, whether he means to or not. My best advice is for you to cut your losses while you can.

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

'Tony' won't hardly even talk to me anymore. He's got this other guy living with him now, helping him get in touch with his spirituality because he's feeling guilty about everything. Everything except me, anyway. He keeps treating me like I'm lower than dirt, and won't even let me sit by him in the cafeteria or anything, and even though I know it's nothing I don't deserve it's still kind of hard to take sometimes.

There's this woman, she's like a psychologist, who we both know. I was thinking maybe she'd put in a good word for me with 'Tony' if I just softened her up and made her like me. Only now she thinks I was manipulating her which I guess is maybe true but I didn't mean it in a bad way and I think she's probably making 'Tony' think even worse of me now.

Anyway I know you're just going to tell me to give it a rest and forget about him, that I only got what was coming to me. It's just real hard to walk away from him. I love him more than all my ex-wives combined, more than I thought I could ever love anybody because I don't even like myself much. I don't even care if we have sex or anything. I just want to be near to him, for him to stop looking at me like he wishes I'd drop dead or something.

What am I supposed to do now?

Covert Operator

Dear Covert Operator,

Well, somebody's got the "Nobody Loves Me, So I'm Just Gonna Sit Here And Pout Until I Die" blues, don't they? Honey, I'm looking at a bunch of letters here and adding one and one, and coming up with a pretty interesting two. If I'm right, 'Kit,' I think you may be all warm and snuggly with your sweetie before too much longer. I'm also thinking neither one of you has the sense God gave a jackass but even so, I hope it works out.

Aggie

...finis...