Reality
By K9

"Daddy, can hearts really break?"

I shake myself from my musing, and look at my daughter. She's now a gangly nineteen year old, currently suffering her first rejections, her first bitter taste of love, and my throat constricts when I try to answer her. I want to tell her that no, hearts don't really break, they just hurt a lot at times, but I'd be lying to her.

I still can't believe it all happened sometimes. Oz feels like a horrible nightmare that never quite leaves your consciousness, even in the daytime, but I know it was real, probably more real to me than the life I'm living now.

"Daddy, I'm going back to the car, okay? I wanna call Josh."

"Okay, honey," I watch her walk away with her head held tall, trying to be brave, but she's her father's daughter. She covers up the pain, and lets it destroy her from the inside, just like me.

"Toby, stop being so hard on her," Chris laughs suddenly. I turn my head, and note the long-suffering look on his face.

"I'm not being hard on her," I protest.

"Yes, you are. She's a lot like you, so you're convinced that she'll do the same stuff."

"I," I try to argue, but he's right, "I just don't want her to make the same mistakes."

"What, get blasted, kill a kid, get sent to Oz, get fucked up the ass by Vern Schillinger.." he mocks.

"Fall in love with a fucked up psychopath," I add.

He raises an eyebrow, but doesn't comment. "I can't see Holly doin' all that, Toby."

"I could never see myself 'doing all that', but it happened."

"You gotta let go of Oz someday. You'll never find peace until you do." Chris crosses his arms over his chest, and slides down on the bench beside me.

"So say you?" I ask.

"So say I," he grins.

"I'm tired, Chris," I sigh. It's the truth. Tired of life.

"It's that monster you're feeding, it's takin' it out of ya."

"What?" I turn to look at him, and he gives me that sly grin.

"Guilt. It's coiled so tight in your belly, it's a wonder you can breathe."

"I have a lot to feel guilty for."

"Fuck that! What's done is done." Suddenly he's on his feet, and standing in front of me, insisting that I look at him. "You can't change what happened, so stop fucking beating yourself up over it."

"I can't, Chris. I've tried, God knows, I have, but it won't go away."

"What is it that you're so afraid of exposing if you just let yourself live, huh? You scared that they'll discover an average guy in there, one who gets scared, angry...vengeful?" he stresses the last word, forcing me to remember the person I know I can be. "Just stop, and look what you have; a peaceful life, without constant pain, and the torment of a fuckwad like Vern Schillinger. Not to mention a great daughter, with a killer ass," he glances back the way Holly went, and I cough to get his attention. "Hey, like father like daughter, right?" he smirks, and I feel myself smile. "Toby, you gotta get out of the past, knock down the walls Oz built around you, and fuckin' live!"

"What for?" I rub my eyes, closing them tightly, trying to beat back the pounding just beyond them.

"What do you mean, 'what for'?"

"What is there to live for?"

"Your family for starters."

"They can manage without me now. I think they always could."

I open my eyes, and Chris is crouched in front of me, giving me that intense glare. He's so unreadable sometimes. When he looks at me like that, I wonder if he's going to kiss me or kill me.

"Don't you let me hear you fuckin' talk like that, okay?" he snarls.

I huff, the way I've done a thousand times before when Chris has confronted me over something I didn't want to discuss.

"Or you'll do what?" I challenge him. His eyes narrow, and his lips fall into a thin, deadly smile.

"You think I couldn't still whip your ass?" he taunts. "Or maybe that's the point? What's up, Toby, you missin' my tender touch these days? Still looking for a little heavy action?"

"Shut up, Keller!" I groan. I know where this is heading.

"Oh yeah, you miss the sex," he hisses, and my groin tightens. "You always were a little whore, Beecher, some things never change." His laughter coils around my dick, and suddenly my pants feel two sizes too small.

"I was only ever a whore with you," I admit, "Everyone else I used as punishment for myself. You, I took every fucking inch as pleasure!"

"And there were plenty of inches, right?" he sniggers.

"Absofuckinglutely," I laugh finally.

He's done it again, shaken me from my self-pity, and self-loathing, and made me feel human again.

"I miss you, Toby," Chris whispers, "I miss you so damned much it hurts."

"I miss you too," I reach out and only just resist touching his face.

"You know I love you, right?" he asks.

Why does he always ask that, because he already knows the answer?

"Of course I do. I love you too, Chris. Always have, always will, no matter what they say."

"They're not important, their opinions don't count for shit." Chris stands up straight and looks around. Suddenly, he lunges, and I feel his lips against mine. I close my eyes, and breathe deeply, savoring the smell of him, the taste of his lips, the touch of his rough cheeks against mine. His tongue pushes inside my mouth, and his hand snakes behind my neck, pulling me in even closer. I wrap myself around him. I never want to let him go, never want to be parted from him again. Nothing else seems to matter; not my family, my life...nothing.

He pulls back, and looks into my eyes. I'll never want anything so badly in my life, as I want Chris Keller at this moment.

"I want to be with you," I choke out the words because they hurt so much.

"Hey, someday."

"No, now!"

He tightens his grip on my neck, and rests his forehead against mine. "Someday," he insists, "Just not today."

"I can't do this, Chris. I can't walk away again."

"Sure you can. You gotta live for the both of us, remember?"

I can feel my eyes stinging, and I'm angry. Why do I let him do this to me? "You're so full of shit," I try to laugh, but I'm hurting so badly.

Chris laughs, and kisses my cheek, "Bullshit I learned from you most likely," he insists. "I think it's time to go, Toby."

"No, not yet!" I plead.

"Hey, I'll see you next month, okay?"

I nod, but I can't manage words. The prospect of having to go another month without him, feels like purgatory.

"Daddy, time to go!" I hear Holly call to me, and I barely acknowledge her with a brief wave of my hand.

"Don't keep the lady waiting, she can get kinda mean if you piss her off, like her old man," Chris teases.

"I love you," I hiss, barely containing my anger, and sadness.

"I know," he replies.

Then suddenly, he's gone, and I'm alone again.

"Miss Beecher, did everything go okay?" the tall gray haired man asks with a cool smile.

"I guess," Holly replies, chewing on her lower lip.

"Where did you go?"

"Oh, the usual place," she sighs, knowing what's coming.

"I did explain that it probably wasn't the healthiest of places to take your father, didn't I?" he says sternly, reminding her of the Principal she loathed at her last school.

Holly suddenly glares into the man's face. "Look, Doctor Bruhel, I'm not too happy at having my father committed to this asylum in the first place, without you dictating where I can take him on his rare days out of here!"

"Miss Beecher, I've explained this before. This is a hospital not an 'asylum'. And, taking your father to the graveyard, to visit the grave of the man that he's fixating on is just adding to his psychosis. He needs to accept that this is his reality."

"Maybe it isn't," Holly glances through the partially open door, to see her father sitting by the window, staring out at the sky, and smiling gently to himself. Her heart leaps into her mouth, and she struggles with the tears, "Maybe wherever he really is, it's a better reality than this one. Who are we to judge?"

"Miss Beecher, I must protest..."

"Go right ahead, doctor, protest all you like. Next month, my father gets his usual trip, whether you like it or not. I owe it to him. He's a good man. Anyway," she lifts a tear away from her freshly applied mascara with an elegant fingertip, and blinks, "It's the only time he smiles anymore."

The End

Reality" by Staind

The lights are on but you're not home
You've drifted off somewhere alone
Somewhere that's safe, no questions here A quiet place where you hide from your fears

Sometimes when you're out of rope
The way to climb back up's unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever "they" happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?

So you sedate and drown in vain
You've got a pill for every day
A suit and tie to mask the truth
Its ugly head is starting to show through

Sometimes when you're out of rope
The way to climb back up's unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever "they" happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?

The monster you're feeding, your lack of perception The things you will do to fulfill your addictions The light at the end of your tunnel is closing What is it that you're so afraid of exposing You'd give it all up for what's there for the taking Whatever it takes to keep your hands from shaking The same things you're thinking might make you feel better The same things that probably got you here

Sometimes when your out of rope
The way to climb back up's unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever "they" happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?

The monster you're feeding, your lack of perception The things you will do to fulfill your addictions The light at the end of your tunnel is closing What is it that you're so afraid of exposing You'd give it all up for what's there for the taking Whatever it takes to keep your hands from shaking The same things you're thinking might make you feel better The same things that probably got you here